


i hate you, i love you; (i hate that i love you)

by explaininfinity



Category: BLACKPINK (Band)
Genre: F/F, I'm doing this, also why is chaennie my token angst ship?, i'm supposed to be studying for my ap tests but nope, proofread!, the language in this one is a bit vulgar so if you're sensitive to that kinda stuff !!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-14
Updated: 2019-05-24
Packaged: 2020-03-05 10:20:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18826696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/explaininfinity/pseuds/explaininfinity
Summary: in which jennie kim might have accidentally never told her family that she and her beloved girlfriend park chaeyoung broke up and now they want them to come to christmas.together.fuck.aka the chaennie exgfs!au





	1. before the fall.

**Author's Note:**

> this one's angsty as hell, sorry.
> 
> jennie's a bit based on a real person so
> 
> 1\. remember this an au, and that jennie and chaeyoung are characters! this isn't necessarily their real personalities!  
> 2\. be nice to them, they're trying their best

 

_present day_

 

"how was australia?"

 

"good."

 

 

silence.

 

 

"how's alice?"

 

"good."

 

 

more awkward silence.

 

there was once a time when people couldn't get the two of them to stop talking, even despite the fact that they were both typically reserved people. they had brought out the loudness in each other, the joy in one another.

 

not anymore.

 

in all fairness, jennie didn't blame chaeyoung for her one-word responses. if jennie had been in her position, she would probably have answered in monosyllabic grunts.

 

actually, no.

 

if jennie was in chaeyoung's position, she never would have even shown up to this coffee shop.

 

maybe that's why they had worked as a couple. people would probably assume that chaeyoung would be the emotional one (and they wouldn't be _completely_ wrong) but she was logical when it came to situations where she had to **adult**. jennie's not. she's too prideful and holds grudges for far too long. she clenches her jaw too hard, balls her fists until they turned blue and bites her tongue until it bleeds.

 

she never would have gotten the text to meet up because she would have blocked chaeyoung's number ages ago and ignored her existence like her life depended on it.

 

if she was in chaeyoung's position.

 

if she had been the heartbroken instead of the heartbreaking.

 

yeah. _awkward._

 

**[ - ]**

 

_five months earlier_

 

"i mean, okay i guess," jisoo muttered into the phone pinned between her shoulder and her ear, her arms full of grocery bags.

 

"yes, i understand why but-" she stopped, frowning, evidently cut off by the voice on the other side of the line. she quietly shut the door before setting the bags near the door, yanking the key out of the lock and kicking off her shoes. she lowered herself down a small table next to a bowl where she dropped her keys.

 

"i know chaeng. i just want you safe and happy," she sighed, her hand raising to her brow as buried her face in it.

 

"okay. fine, love you too," she grumbled good-naturedly as she picked some of the groceries up again, a small smile across her face. the press of a button on the screen later, she slipped the device into her pocket, lifting the rest of the bags over her shoulder as she shuffled to the next room.

 

"who was that?" a voice called from the darkened kitchen jisoo was about to enter, causing her to scream and drop the bags.

 

"jesus christ jennie!" jisoo huffed, one hand clutching at her chest as she fumbled around for the light switch. "did you need to give me a heart attack?"

 

as soon as the room was illuminated, however, any hint of anger drained from jisoo's face as she saw the condition her baby sister was still in (yeah, jisoo might only be a year older, but jennie's still her _baby_ sister, goddamnit). her skin, which was constantly praised for its glowing and even texture, was sickly and pale. her hair was in an untamed mess and the polish on her fingers that was usually impeccable, was chipped. she looked years older than when jisoo had seen her last, even though it had only been a week since jennie locked herself into her apartment. it had taken a drive across the country to their mother's home to "borrow" the spare key (that jennie refused to let her have in the first place) to get jisoo inside.

 

it was crazy to think that it had only been a week since … **that** had happened.

 

the thing that worried jisoo the most though, was her clothes, which were stained and wrinkled. jisoo had known jennie from the instant she was born, and from the moment they were old enough to choose their own clothes (and eat without spilling), she had _never_ ** _once_** seen a single stain on jennie.

 

"no one important," jisoo tried, beginning to stock the barren shelves of her sister's fridge and pantry.

 

"you said chaeng," jennie stated simply, her head never lifting from the counter where she had set it hours before because the cool granite successfully numbed the drilling sensation in her skull. jennie's tongue rolled awkwardly around the word " _chaeng_ ". she hadn't called _rosie_ that in years, ever since they started dating. after their first kiss, chaeyoung had whispered that she liked the way jennie said her english nickname that had accidentally slipped out between moans (okay, maybe their first kiss was more of a small makeout session, sue her). it was funny really, the way jennie's brain had always thought " _chaeyoung_ " but her lips said " _rosie_ " for so many years. it was almost like their little secret, a name that was reserved only for family, and then suddenly jennie. but simply after days of inuse, both felt foreign to her.

 

jisoo never turned from the cupboard she was placing food into, although her hand did tense around the box of cereal she was holding. when she released it, there was a slight dent in its side. jisoo turned it around, the manufacture-perfect side facing out.

 

"yeah. it was chaeyoung," jisoo stated, turning and folding the bags that she had dragged in. she tried to gage jennie's reaction to her words but she saw no movement on her face, because her face was still firmly connected to the counter.

 

"is she…" jennie trailed off as she sat up. the first thing jisoo noticed was the broken look in jennie's eyes. it was like nothing she'd ever seen on her face before.

 

"no jen, she's not okay," jisoo sighed, leaning against the counter and looking directly into the eyes of her baby sister.

 

"she's at the airport. her flight back to australia is boarding right now."

 

and jennie's world crumbled to pieces.

 

**[ - ]**

 

_present day_

 

"what do you want, jennie?"

 

she was expecting that. honestly, that would have been jennie's leading question, never mind the awkward small talk that had been occurring for the half-dozen minutes since chaeyoung had sat in the table across from her. her tone wasn't angry, like she would have expected. it was soft, kind and _chaeyoung._

 

"i need to ask you a favor," jennie started, ever blunt and to the point. she was expecting the eyebrows raised in disbelief that she received. "and i know i'm not in a position to even ask for one right now, but i'd really, **really** like it if you just heard me out," she mumbled, her words slurring together as she continued speeding up. chaeyoung smiled faintly (not that jennie could see it, with the mask she's wearing because they're in public), the rapid-fire ramblings reminding her of happier times they spent together.

 

"i figured as much when you asked me here," chaeyoung murmured after moving the mask from her nose to take a long sip of her drink, watching her normally collected ex-girlfriend squirm in the seat across from her. "what do you want?" she offered simply, sitting back in her chair as she re-shielded her face. jennie was taken aback by her nonchalance. after living together for four years than not speaking for almost five months, after all the shit jennie put her through, it was a miracle that chaeyoung was even listening to what she had to say.

 

she's always been too good for jennie and jennie's never deserved her.

 

"i fucked up."

 

jennie expected an extreme reaction, but chaeyoung just smiled softly with her eyes, exactly like she always had.

 

maybe because she already knew.

 

**[ - ]**

 

_a little more than five months earlier_

 

chaeyoung always loved her softly. she was sunshine and happiness, laughter and warm hugs that jennie pretended to hate but (not-so-secretly) adored. her kisses were tender and her gaze was sweet. she reminded jennie of a golden retriever, adorable and filled with too much love and not enough coordination.

 

jennie's not like that.

 

she's all uneven, jagged edges and corners sharpened to a point and ready to pierce anyone who gets too close. (whenever jennie tries that analogy, jisoo likens her to a hedgehog, or a cactus, poking her fingers outward in a supposed and crude imitation of what seems to be a hybrid of the creatures. jennie tries very hard not to hit her annoying older sister, _who is supposed to be a professional actress_ , when she does that). (chaeyoung compares her to a rose and jennie likes that one a lot better, not just because chaeyoung's calling her a flower with dangerous thorns but she also called her _oh_ , **_so beautiful_** ). jennie's more than a little roughened up. she has trust issues and commitment issues and daddy issues and whatever other words people can find to replace what they're really trying to say,  ** _broken_**. she pushes the people she cares about most away because she's afraid of them.

 

and she's never been more scared of anyone than park chaeyoung.

 

ironic really, being terrified of the woman who couldn't hurt a fly. but that's **why** jennie was so scared of her. she's afraid of chaeyoung seeing the real her, because she's afraid of tainting her.

 

chaeyoung loved her all too softly, and jennie didn't know what to do about it.

 

well, that and the scandal: **_model it girl jennie kim and star of the nation's favorite tv show, park chaeyoung gay and in a relationship!? photos of their secret date in the park with below!!_ **

 

the dozen or so pictures released had been mostly rather nondescript, other than the second-to-last one. unlike the others, it was clearly lit, as they had been strolling through their favorite park at night and happened upon a streetlamp. the image was focused on jennie, smiling as a pair of pink, plump and perfect lips kissed a bit closer to another pair of decidedly feminine lips than the general public considered to be "normal". (they weren't touching, but no one cared to mention that). their interlaced hands and matching clothes (which hadn't been intentional but had occurred all the same) didn't help. the last picture, a closer shot of a lipstick impression on jennie's face complete with her signature lovesick, dopey grin that always accompanied a kiss on the cheek had been the final nail in the coffin.

 

it was enough, not to end her career but to almost force her management team to place her on a temporary " _vacation_ ". they had gotten even closer to getting her a fake boyfriend to cover up the incident, and would have if it didn't die down when it did.

 

chaeyoung had it even worse, with her show taking a severe dip in viewership, and her scenes steadily cut from episodes as much as they could until it rose again (but by that time she was already gone).

 

it was both of their first major scandals, and it was **terrifying**.

 

so jennie did what jennie does best. she  _disappeared_ , locked herself away.

 

because jennie's a _fucking_ ** _coward_ ** who doesn't understand her own  _fucking emotions_ and doesn't know what to do when the world starts closing in on her. her best strategy is to just **run,** as far as she can, as fast as she can,from her emotions, from her friends, from her family.

 

though not before making the worst decision of her life, because she wouldn't be jennie ruby jane kim if she didn't fuck up the best thing that had ever happened to her. _fucking_ **coward**.

 

like so many articles have written before and since, jennie kim is fucking  ** _talented._**  at what though, they'd never figure out. her best talent, more so than making sexy poses in front of a camera or pretending to be straight when being interviewed, is fucking up.

 

it's a lame excuse for breaking off a four-year relationship, blaming the scandal that they  _both_ were facing and she knows it. they rang in her head for the weeks later, even after she dove into doing gigs in a failed attempt to distract herself.

 

she still thought about it long after the public lost interest in the incident.

 

 _funny_.

 

how the public had forgotten but it didn't bring chaeyoung back.

 

**[ - ]**

 

_present day_

 

"so you want me to  _what_?" chaeyoung asked, her eyebrows knitting together in confusion.

 

there wasn't a trace of anger anywhere in her voice.

 

jennie hated that.

 

she wanted chaeyoung to get mad, for her to yell and scream. _jennie_ wanted a reason to be mad, to have an excuse not to do this. but she found nothing, forcing her to trudge on in this absolutely idiotic trek towards what's assuredly a broken heart

 

she's just not sure which one of their hearts will break first. probably neither of them. because neither of them had mended in the first place.

 

"i never told my mother about our-" jennie coughed. "-break up," she sputtered out.

 

even with a degree in acting ( _"it's a bachelor in theatre arts, jen "_  she heard in her head), chaeyoung couldn't mask the shock that crossed her face.

 

"i just, got so busy with everything and i didn't talk to her for like a month- _which, yes, i know is horrible_ -but i was just so _sad,_ and i know i have no right to tell _you_ that _i_ was sad but-"

 

"jennie!" chaeyoung whisper-yelled as the volume of jennie's voice steadily increased without her noticing, drawing unwanted attention to their table. the masks they were both wearing only distract from them so much because jennie's face is in practically every other store on any given street and chaeyoung's drama is still airing some of the scenes she prerecorded before escaping the country. getting seen in public, especially  _together,_ would cause… **_problems_** so chaeyoung grabbed her ex's hands that were waving excitedly as she continued her rambles and pressed them down to the table gently.

 

jennie was shocked by the contact, her eyes growing to an almost-comical, saucer-like size. it makes her kind-of want to laugh at herself, because it's not like chaeyoung hasn't touched far more risqué places on her body. but right now, the electric charge flowing between their fingers (because jennie's pretty sure chaeyoung can feel it too), would probably be enough to light the eastern seaboard.

 

"what were you saying? about your mom?" chaeyoung gently encouraged, because jennie zoned out again.

 

she's been doing that a lot more lately. _maybe she should look into that._

 

"she wants you to home for christmas next month. because we went to yours last year."

 

jennie herself was surprised by her own bluntness. when she rehearsed this in her head on the way here, the speech she was going to give was considerably longer. but this works too, she figured.

 

the thing about being exes with an actress, is that there's a wealth of content of her performances on the internet. not to mention the fact that jennie's attended dozens of premiers and visited countless sets, some ~ _conveniently~_ or for the press, some in support of her  _best friend_. she had seen every film and every tv show chaeyoung has ever appeared in, back when they were dating, but she might have fallen down a spiral of marathons after, **that**. but she didn't need that to know what chaeyoung was feeling. after so many years together, she knew what made chaeyoung tick, and she, more so than any other person in the world, could read her emotions as clear as day.

 

she was wearing her _work face_ , as chaeyoung always called it. jennie knows she has one too, the alluring expressions she puts on when there's a camera or the innocent gestures and laughs she fakes during interviews _(do people really believe that she's_ **_that_ ** _näive?) (are_ **_they_ ** _that näive?)._

 

the other thing though, about being exes with an actress, is that sometimes she _can_ completely hide her emotions. she never used to. back before **that** , when she tried, jennie would pout and poke at the space between chaeyoung's eyebrows and kiss her nose, making her girlfriend scrunch her face. she would break out of whatever strong character or version of herself she was attempting to be and just be chaeyoung, _jennie's rosie,_ who never pretended to be anyone else in front of her because jennie didn't want anyone else. just _her rosie._

 

not anymore.

 

she could tell, in the clench of her ex-girlfriend's jaw that meant she was thinking too hard and in the picture-perfect posture she had, indicating that she was uncomfortable.

 

chaeyoung had her _work face_ on.

 

it hurt more than it should have. in all fairness, **_jennie_ ** broke up with **_chaeyoung_ **. she has no right to be upset. that didn't change the pain in her chest though, no matter if she should be allowed to feel it or not.

 

because five months ago, jennie would have placed butterfly kisses up her jawline until it relaxed and massaged her shoulders until they loosened too.

 

because five months ago, jennie hadn't broken chaeyoung's heart, and her own.

 

**[ - ]**

 

_even more than a little more than five months earlier_

 

"surprise babe," a sultry voice whispered into chaeyoung's ear from behind her as a pair of arms snaked around her waist as a chill went down her spine and goosebumps appeared across her skin. chaeyoung's eyes scanned the room quickly, checking to make sure they were alone. luckily her stylist had just stepped out to grab lunch, and no one else was supposed to be allowed in her fitting room during her break.

 

well, no one except for chaeyoung's _best friend._

 

it was almost storybook perfection, the way they had met. chaeyoung would call it destiny, jennie called it dumb luck but they agreed that it was the best thing that had ever happened to either of them. they had met in college, quite literally bumping into each other in a hallway, part-way through jennie's sophomore and chaeyoung's freshmen year (because, yes, chaeyoung has _always_ been that clumsy). they were together too, when discovered by a yg scout years later ( definitely not on a date ) when jennie was a senior, about to graduate. since then, chaeyoung's first few films had been major successes and the show she was currently shooting was set to be her second smash hit. jennie was the face of no less than five worldwide brands by this point, not to mention that she was plastered across billboards on practically every other street, featuring in dozens of commercials and in countless display windows across the country. personally, the media had eaten their story up too, claiming they were _"complete opposites, fated to meet"_ . although somewhat untrue, it was kinda hard not believe it, from the way that chaeyoung had left auckland not a year before jennie had moved there to the way almost both ended up at a college in melbourne a decade later. nationally _and_ internationally, they were a beloved, inseparable duo, both on their sns accounts and in real life. they attended each other's events whenever they could, and even when they couldn't. like the time jennie accidentally facetimed chaeyoung in the middle of an award show from the set of a photoshoot.

 

they had both gotten in trouble, chaeyoung for answering her call _on stage, during her own acceptance speech_ and jennie for interrupting her shoot and revealing the outfits that were supposed to be a secret. but they had also gotten a lot of laughs at jennie's embarrassment and even more positive press because of it, so nothing too terrible had happened.

 

that was the usual: something would occur, like them getting spotted out in public getting dinner together. news outlets would write another article about how jealous they were of their friendship and everything would die down.

 

it was the perfect cover for their relationship.

 

the sound of the door handles twisting open caused both women to break apart from each other. it was common knowledge that they were clingy people, and it definitely would not be the first time that someone had caught them in a similar position (because they weren't doing anything much, **_yet_ ** ), but they couldn't be _too_ careful. thankfully though, it was just jisoo, who cocked an eyebrow as she looked at the awkward way both women were standing.

 

"you know, for a professional actress and model, neither of you are _at all_ convincing," jisoo commented, flopping onto the couch behind the now blushing couple. jennie reached over to her older sister and hit her on the arm, causing jisoo to fake a scowl. "it's a miracle that you've managed to keep your relationship a secret for this long."

 

"you could have knocked!" jennie muttered as she sat down on the couch next to her. chaeyoung was last, cuddling into jennie's right side as jisoo rolled her eyes from jennie's left.

 

"why, it's not like you two were planning on having sex in here, right?" she taunted, as she sat forward. jisoo ignored the backhand on the shoulder she got from her younger sister as she unpacked the bag of takeout that had been the supposed cause of jennie's visit.

 

"you're welcome," jennie muttered poutily as her girlfriend laughed, getting off the couch to grab three bottles of water from the mini-fridge that had been a gift for their first anniversary (not that anyone besides their families knew that). that fridge had seen chaeyoung through her last two years of college and visited dozens of movie and television sets.

 

"you came here for chaeng. your _beloved_ older sister being her co-star just _happened_ conveniently. don't pretend it's not true," jisoo finished, a finger in front of jennie's face, who was prepared to protest but clammed up.

 

well. she couldn't deny that.

 

the rest of lunch passes in comfortable conversation, casual teasing constant between them. jennie kissed her girlfriend goodbye, although not before chaeyoung checked repeatedly to make sure no one was coming and asked jisoo to stand guard outside the door.

 

it's a little messy and broken, but it's _them_ and it's all they have, and jennie wouldn't change it for the world.

 

**[ - ]**

 

_present day_

 

chaeyoung doesn't know what to do.

 

jennie's mother adores her. chaeyoung's spent a lot of days, probably even weeks, with the woman, trying (unsuccessfully) to knit and (more successfully) to bake. the woman practically adopted her into the family as soon as she learned of her existence when chaeyoung arrived at college in korea. when jennie told her that she and chaeyoung were dating, her mother had been absolutely overjoyed. she had even supported both girls in their ambitions to leave the law school where they met, even helping convince chaeyoung's own mother to allow her to join yg select's label.

 

jennie, jisoo and their older brother and sister visit their mother as often as they can but they all have other obligations as well. jennie and jisoo have intense careers in the spotlight, their brother just got married and their sister has two children. so, the holidays are sacred in the kim household. you are **_required_ ** to come home, and if you don't, a court-ordered subpoena might drop on your doorstep from one of their mother's many friends. no one has **_ever_ ** missed christmas dinner ( _well, minus one_ ), not even when jennie had the last few hours of a shoot the same day. she had driven four continuous hours after a 20-hour shoot, just to eat with her family. chaeyoung had been coming to christmas dinner ever since jennie's mother had learned that chaeyoung couldn't go to her own home for dinner. the only member of the kim household to **_ever_ ** miss christmas was jennie, who went home with chaeyoung to australia last year. jennie's mother had only let them go on one condition, that chaeyoung was **_required_ ** to come to christmas dinner the next year.

 

this year.

 

jennie lied a bit earlier. she _so badly_ had wanted to tell her mother about their breakup. but her mother loved chaeyoung and she loved the holidays and she couldn't ruin that for her.

 

so she decided to try asking chaeyoung to pretend for a week, just a week.

 

 _god_ , of all of her dumb decisions, this was by far the worst she's ever had. probably because chaeyoung used to be the one to _stop_ her from doing stupid shit like this.

 

"okay."

 

jennie jerked her head up from the coffee she was staring at again. she tilted her ear towards the woman across from her, because she _cannot_ have **_possibly_ **heard that right.

 

"wait, what?" chaeyoung just smiled softly.

 

"i said okay. i'll do it."

 

  
and jennie's world crumbled again. ( _but the good way this time_ )

 

 

 


	2. the fall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was a bit rushed because i have a lot of assignments in school right now but i didn't want to leave this story hanging. i may continue it more in the future but i hope you still enjoy!

 

 

 ****_t - 13 days until christmas eve dinner_

 

"okay, let's get our stories straight," jennie started, pulling out a pad of paper from the purse on the chair beside her. chaeyoung snorted and jennie swiveled in her chair to look her, cocking an eyebrow.

 

" _straight?_ "

 

"rosie."

 

oh.

 

  1. jennie hadn't called her that since they broke up and
  2. she had forgotten how _hot_ it was when she did that



 

"sorry dear," chaeyoung muttered sarcastically, stepping away from the counter opposite her ex-girlfriend and opening the pantry door. jennie hid a smile at the familiar action of chaeyoung taking several minutes to search through every shelf of the closet before deciding that she didn't want anything in it.

 

"rosie? rosie!"

 

chaeyoung jolted upward from her position crouched, level with the lowest shelf of the pantry. from the look on jennie's face, it appeared that she had been calling out for a while as chaeyoung remained intently focused on the boxes of cereal. chaeyoung looked at her apologetically before snatching a random kind of ramyeon from in front of her and grabbing a pot from under the island in her ex's kitchen.

 

it was strange to be back.

 

everything was in the same locations as she remembered,  just as it was before **that** , almost as if they had never broken up. she had done this exact same thing a thousand times before, cooking an incredibly high-in-sodium packet of noodles when she should have been making something healthier in this specific kitchen. it felt natural, _too_ natural.

 

"really, what's there to get straight? i went back to australia to visit alice and you couldn't come with because you were super busy with work. simple."

 

simple.

 

this was anything _but_ simple.

 

she was in her ex-girlfriend of four year's kitchen, making ramyeon while planning on how make the aforementioned ex-girlfriend's mother believe that they were still together.

 

"you just randomly left the country to visit alice a week after, _the thing_ happened?"

 

chaeyoung turned away from the stove she was hovering over. jennie was wearing glasses, something that rarely occurred in public but that chaeyoung was quite used to because unfortunately, they're both quite blind without them. she had actually bought that pair herself, for jennie's last birthday at the beginning of the year. the necklace around her neck had been a gift alongside it, the small flower charm subtle enough not to draw attention but _rosie_ enough to be a _proper_ couple item. jennie was still wearing that too, toying with it between her fingers while thinking, an unconscious habit she had developed a long time ago.

 

chaeyoung didn't know how she felt about the fact that jennie was still wearing her gifts. in all fairness, she was currently wearing half of the matching ring set that jennie had bought for their first anniversary on a chain hidden around her neck.

 

she hadn't wanted to. alice had actually offered to fly to korea to empty her apartment of all of _their_ stuff, but chaeyoung quickly realized that there were few items that she owned that weren't jennie related. if she had wanted to rid jennie from her life, she probably would have been required to get rid of her life itself too, given how infiltrated she was within it.

 

"you can say dating scandal jen. it's not voldemort."

 

jennie gave her a pointed look and chaeyoung turned back to the pot on the stove that was far past boiling to put the noodles in.

 

"fine. you visited alice right after the _dating scandal_ , why?" jennie asked, rubbing her forehead in a way that she only did when she was truly exhausted.

 

"because the management told me that it would be better to take a quick vacation, to take some time off while the news simmered down."

 

jennie quickly snapped up from the notepad that still didn't have anything written on it.

 

"they asked you too?" her voice was strangled, caught in her throat. chaeyoung paused, taking a deep breath and placing the chopsticks softly down on the counter beside her before closing her eyes.

 

" _of course_ they did jen."

 

neither woman made a sound. in fact, the only sound in the apartment came from the pot, the bubbles rising to the surface and popping.

 

"you _ran away._ you left the fucking country. what was i supposed to do?" jennie whispered, breaking the silence.

 

"call. you were supposed to call me," chaeyoung stated calmly without looking back.

 

"i was _scared_."

 

this was the jennie kim that no one else saw. the public saw the jennie kim that was scared of clowns and the dark, that screamed in haunted houses and cried when frightened. but chaeyoung saw the jennie that was instead scared of the _public_ , of the random people on the internet and what they had to say about her. the jennie that constantly searched her own name, that practiced interviews diligently, just to be sure she said things correctly, that she reacted to things _just_ the way people wanted her too. the jennie kim that was _so very fragile_ with a voice _oh so small_ that if you touched her, she just might shatter to pieces..

 

but chaeyoung was fragile too.

 

"do you think i wasn't _terrified out of my fucking mind?_  do you think that by heart didn't drop the _instant_ i saw the news? who was the first person you called? your manager? the agency?" she turned from the stove and slammed her chopsticks down on the counter, making jennie jump in her seat. she stalked forward toward jennie's chair, only stopping when they were mere inches apart.

 

" _i called_ **_you,_ ** _jennie._ but the line was busy. and then my manager called and told me that they were gonna cover it all up and _the line was still fucking busy,"_ chaeyoung hissed through gritted teeth before backing up from jennie.

 

"i might have left the country but you ran away first jennie," chaeyoung finished as she moved the pot from the stovetop to the counter in front of jennie.

 

"enjoy," she muttered before grabbing her coat off of the chair next to jennie's and showing herself out of the apartment.

 

 

**[ - ]**

 

 

_t - 10 days until christmas eve dinner_

 

[ rosie ♡ ]  20:39 // i'm sorry for snapping at you

 

[ 20:40 // incoming call from [ jen :D ] ]

 

 _"why are you apologizing? you didn't do anything wrong. really,_ **_i_ ** _should be apologizing for not being considerate of your feelings."_

 

_"hi to you too. and you were scared jen. you can't blame yourself either."_

 

_"...you don't have to come to dinner if you don't want to. i'd understand why."_

 

_"no i really want to. i miss your family and i think… well, i think it would be good for us. to talk."_

 

 _"okay, but how about we agree to stop talking about_ **_that_ ** _."_

 

_"deal. what do you want to talk about?"_

 

_"nothing over the phone. how about soon, but in person. i want to do this right."_

 

_"careful jen."_

 

_"be careful of what?"_

 

_"...nevermind."_

 

_"nope, new rule, no secrets. what's wrong?"_

 

_"it's just... you sounded a lot like the first time you asked me out, that's all."_

 

_"... would that be so bad?"_

 

_"..."_

 

_"friday, my apartment, ten o'clock."_

 

_"got it."_

 

_"i get to pick the movie."_

 

_"i'd expect nothing less."_

 

_"good night rosie."_

 

_"...sweet dreams jen."_

 

[ 20:46 // call ended with [ rosie ♡ ] ]

 

_"but really, would that be so bad?"_

 

 

**[ - ]**

 

 

_t - 5 days until christmas eve dinner_

 

jennie toyed with the zipper of the coat she was wearing between her fingers. the snow was falling in heavy sheets outside but jennie was luckily under shelter. well, _luckily_ being a debatable term

 

"be right there!" a cheery voice yelled from within the apartment she was standing in front of. the door opened slightly, the sound of a slow, indie song and soft, yellow light spilling out. it was soon joined by the head of her ex-girlfriend, a blinding smile across her face.

 

"hey," chaeyoung grinned, before motioning her in and turning from the partially open doorway. jennie took a deep breath before she stepped into the apartment that looked all too similar to the last time she had been there. there was the same mismatching throw pillows on the couch that she despised because they _did not go with the scheme of the room at all_ . but they were wonderfully colorful and so _chaeyoung_ that she hadn't had the heart to tell her. the lamp that she had bought as a housewarming gift was in the same spot, the stain on it from the time jennie had spilled coffee tripping over kai and kuma's dog toys (because she had forgotten they were sleeping over too) was still there, just as brown on the pale blue lampshade as it had been the day it was created.

 

there were a few new things, like the bowl that jennie used to keep stockpiled with avocados, partially because she really did like them and partially because chaeyoung _hated_ them was full of mangoes instead. and the vase of flowers that jennie had bought after she got tired of chaeyoung trying to put the bouquets that she gave her in the sink was empty. and there were fewer blankets on the couch than jennie was used to, probably because jennie was the one who lugged them all out of the closet for her own use anyway. chaeyoung was her own personal space heater, but that could only go so far.

 

but other than that, the apartment looked almost exactly the same, the memories flooding back when jennie spun to look at it all.

 

oh.

 

 **_oh_ ** _._

 

she had thought it strange that chaeyoung was hiding behind the door when greeting her because chaeyoung was never one to evade an opportunity to hug someone. she had marked it down to the awkward energy in the air around them but when she turned to face her, she saw why.

 

"sorry, i literally _just_ got back from set," chaeyoung muttered awkwardly, suddenly looking a lot more self-conscious of the fact that she was only wearing a towel and slippers.

 

"new movie?" jennie hummed, looking absolutely anywhere but her ex-girlfriend.

 

"yeah actually, i'm pretty excited about this one," chaeyoung smiled broadly, the light in her eyes brightening as it always did when she talked about her work.

 

that might be one of jennie's favorite looks on her. chipmunk chaeyoung was a close contender, with cheeks that jennie loved to pinch. _rosé_ , the nickname that jennie had given chaeyoung's work face was also ranked high, with gazes that made jennie's knees weak and smirks that jennie wanted to kiss off of her. but _rosie,_ her _rosie_ who glowed when talking about her work, that never tired on set and was passionate about everything was probably her favorite.

 

really, jennie could just watch her for hours, absolutely entranced with the look in her eyes when she rambled about the things she loved.

 

"you wanna get changed and tell me about it?" jennie asked, hanging her coat on the hooks beside the shoe rack.

 

"why?" chaeyoung smirked, an eyebrow cocked as she crossed her arms over her chest and strutted across the room until they were only inches apart. "is this not good enough?"

 

" _rosie_."

 

"okay, changing. you're no fun," she smirked before dashing away to her room like nothing ever happened.

 

it was times like that when jennie forgot how _confusing_ chaeyoung could be, going from acting completely untouchable to skipping across her apartment in fuzzy, pink bunny slippers. (in all fairness, she was wearing the bunny slippers the entire time but jennie was decidedly _not_ looking at her feet when chaeyoung acted like _that_ ).

 

chaeyoung's departure left jennie alone, standing in the middle of the room, or rather _rooms_ because chaeyoung's living room and kitchen were open, not separated by a wall. she could either cuddle into the couch and wait or make something to eat.

 

really, it was no choice, given that she was too nervous to sit still and that chaeyoung has _just_ gotten home and was probably hungry.

 

jennie just hoped that chaeyoung wouldn't be mad that she raided her fridge.

 

 

 

chaeyoung, she took it, wasn't mad. she could tell by the pair of arms wrapped around her waist as chaeyoung snuggled the side of her cheek against the back of her neck.

 

"thanks jen, i was starving and definitely missed your cooking," she murmured, making jennie shiver a bit from the vibrations it caused.

 

"what was your call time?" jennie tried to ask, trying to focus on something, _anything,_ that wasn't the skin-to-skin contact as chaeyoung arms slid between her sweatpants and cropped sweatshirt.

 

" _four-fucking-am,"_ chaeyoung breathily muttered as she detached herself from jennie's waist, leaning her back against the stove and gazing over at the woman beside her. jennie just blushed under her gaze, focusing intently on the pan in front of her.

 

"not that i'm complaining or anything, but what exactly are you doing?" jennie asked, still refusing to look into chaeyoung's eyes or anywhere near her.

 

"what do you mean? i'm not doing anything?" chaeyoung muttered, toying with the strings of jennie's sweatpants between her fingers.

 

_"rosie."_

 

"we're supposed to be dating for the dinner next week, right? so this is me getting back into the character of jennie kim's girlfriend."

 

the fake dating thing. _right_ . jennie had definitely _not_ forgotten about the fake dating thing.

 

well, if jennie only got the next week with chaeyoung, she was going to make the most out of it that she could.

 

"then does jennie kim's girlfriend want some kimchi fried rice?" she teased, lifting the pan in her hand the tiniest bit and giving it a shake. chaeyoung just laughed, stepping softly across her kitchen to grabs plates and silverware.

 

"she does. she also wants to cuddle while watching tangled."

 

jennie just smiled, taking the pan off of the heat and over to the counter where chaeyoung was.

 

"still don't hate that one?"

 

she hadn't meant it to sound quite like that but the underlying question rose in the air. chaeyoung was turned away from her, facing the fridge while grabbing a jug of milk. when she spun, she had an unreadable expression on her face as she stared directly into jennie's eyes.

 

"nope. i don't hate things easily. especially not the things i've always loved."

 

 

**[ - ]**

 

 

_t - 4 days until christmas eve dinner_

 

[ 07:22 // incoming call from [ ya! park chaeyoung! ] ]

 

_"lisa? hello?"_

 

_"... it's 7 am. lisa isn't available because she's asleep, please leave a message after the beep."_

 

_"lalisa, it's an emergency!"_

 

_"...your apartment better be on fire or you better need some ransom money for the kidnappers that snatched you  because those are the only valid reasons for you waking me up at 7."_

 

_"i'm fine. the apartment's fine. actually jennie just left."_

 

 _"_ **_oh_ ** _? well i'm awake now. she_ **_just_ ** _left?"_

 

_"lisa."_

 

_"let me guess. you thought that this whole 'pretending to be a couple' thing wouldn't be that big of a deal but now you're remembering before you broke up. that about sum it up?"_

 

_"... i hate you."_

 

_"no you don't. but seriously, what's the emergency?"_

 

_"i think… well, i'm pretty sure that i'm falling again. and i'm scared."_

 

 _"and you called_ **_me_ ** _for advice?"_

 

_"well alice is still asleep and i think it'd be kinda awkward to call jisoo for advice about her sister's love life."_

 

_"okay, that makes sense. no but really chaeng, don't be scared of falling for her. jennie's been a huge part of your life for a long time. i don't think you could really function without her in it, romantically or platonically. and remember when you called me from australia after the breakup? you said yourself that you never stopped loving her. i still don't think you have."_

 

_"...i'm just scared of getting hurt again."_

 

_"then tell jennie that. communicate more this time. i don't think she has the intention of hurting you either but still, talk to her about this. not everyone gets a second chance. make the most of yours."_

 

_"...you know, you give surprisingly good advice at 7 in the morning. maybe i should wake you up early more often."_

 

 _"oh, don't you dare. you're buying me an_ **_expensive_ ** _dinner for this."_

 

_"that's fair."_

 

 _"you're gonna be fine chaeng. just, go with the flow and do what you think is right. be careful but listen to your heart too._ **_god_ ** _, i can't wait for flirty chaeyoung to make a comeback, i love her. she's so fun."_

 

_"... i'm leaving now. love you lali."_

 

_"oh, don't you go and use a nickname to try and make me all soft on you. i'm still pissed off."_

 

_"..."_

 

_"fine. i guess that i kinda love you too."_

 

_"gee thanks lisa."_

 

_"you are very welcome chaeng. and i'm here anytime if you need me."_

 

[ 07:46  // call ended with [ ya! park chaeyoung! ] ]

 

 

**[ - ]**

 

 

_t - 0 hours until christmas eve dinner_

 

if chaeyoung was anything, it wasn't patient.

 

she hated long car drives but this one was especially bad. they had spent the entire drive up in relative silence, nothing but the radio making a sound. well, other than that moment when they both reached forward to adjust at the volume at the same time, accidentally bumping hands then blushing like kids. now, they were parked in front of the apartment where jennie's parent's lived, still in complete silence.

 

they were still too awkward with each other. it reminded her of the year after they met, how they had acted when they were in that phase somewhere between dating and best friends.

 

well, the only way that they had solved that was...

 

"kiss me."

 

"excuse me?" jennie questioned, placing the backs of her hands on both of chaeyoung's cheeks to ensure that she didn't have some sort of fever (she didn't). chaeyoung, however, grabbed her hands and laced them around her neck, effectively pulling jennie towards her over the console in between the seats..

 

"just do it jen."

 

well, jennie was no one to deny her.

 

"so we're really doing this?" chaeyoung muttered breathlessly when they broke apart. jennie smiled at her from her place on chaeyoung's lap, although neither of them were entirely sure how she got there. chaeyoung looked into jennie's eyes, trying to read into them while also subduing her rapidly beating heart (because they're apparently _really_ bad at _not_ having heated makeout sessions). all she could see in them was glow, the same jennie she had fallen in love with years ago and the same jennie she would fall in love with again today, tomorrow and forever.

 

"it appears so," jennie mumbled just as breathlessly before smiling against her lips.

 

"wait," chaeyoung called, shifting back slightly in her seat. jennie immediately shifted too, the glow in her eyes dimming as she creased her brow.

 

"i need you to promise me that this is real, that this isn't just for your parents _._ i'm not willing to try _this_ again if i'm we're gonna get hurt like that again." chaeyoung's voice got impossibly soft, her eyes dropping down. "i don't think i could take it," she whispered out, barely out enough for jennie to hear, despite the fact that they were mere inches apart.

 

jennie just smiled softly, interlacing their hands and lifting them up so that they were directly in between the pair.

 

"rosie, there's never been anything more real than you and me. i fucked up when i ran away and i can never remove the pain that it caused. but i can promise to talk to you when i'm scared and to listen when you are too. the last few months have been hell without you and now i really, _really_ need my rosie back."

 

chaeyoung grinned and leaned forward, jennie meeting her half-way.

 

eventually, after a few more kisses (or many more kisses), they exited the car and faced the building in front of them, hand-in-hand.


End file.
